I told him. It was hard, but I did it. Things have been weird since. I have no idea how he feels but I feel like something he stepped in. I have spent nearly every minute since I told him feeling horrible and worrying about his reactions. He's still calling but he's acting a bit off. I just want to fall off the map and hope he'll still be around when I recover from how mortified I am that he knows.
He is a little different. It's not in my head. But maybe it's not nearly as bad as I think it is. I just want some confirmation that things haven't changed for him. I just don't think I can live this down, I fear I will act kooky in front of him. This really sucks, things were going so well. I was starting to fall for him and he was being sooo fantastic. It sucks, did I mention that?
On a brighter note I went out with dad and we took a journey for me to see things I hadn't see in a bit and to work me into getting my license renewed. I was thrilled to be out and facing it. I had a little panic attack when we went into a neighborhood short cut and he mentioned that he wasn't sure where he was and that he didn't remember the short cut through but I breathed and it sucked for about 1 minute and then I began to calm back down to a 4. It was a great thing overall and we plan to do it three times a week until I reach my goal.
If I've learned nothing else in this life, it's the lengths one will go to for someone they love. I also know for sure that those who love you will always protect you.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
telle est la vie d'un agoraphobe
I'm recovering. I'm moving forward. I'm growing in leaps and bounds. I'm on the other side headed back toward the light.
I've started a relationship against my better judgment. The relationship, guy, everything is great, there's just this one little problem; I can do very few things and I haven't fully told him this yet. He knows I have issues but he is not aware of the full extent because I didn't want to include him in this part of my life. It's something I kind of hoped to overcome a little more before I engaged in something like this. Our time together has become so close, intimate and important to me. I have made some huge mistakes and I feel I may pay for them but what's worse is, he might too.
My progress is nothing to sneeze at. I am recovering in a big way, but I still have so much further to go, much further than is fair to him. I somehow thought it could just be fun and a part of my life that I could have separate and carefree. Someone to enjoy and something I could get a chance to feel more normal participating in. It has not turned out this way and it's my fault. I provoke these quick leaps forward, I pushed them, I attacked. Now I am left feeling less normal and carefree everyday.
This thing is not mainstream. Most people understand depression and other typical mental disorders but this one is not explored in the media, it's not talked about, it's not romanticized, it's not a topic. Of all the disorders where people NEED help and compassion, this one of them and the support and awareness is not there. People need the compassion of doctors to help them achieve a more normal life but the sad thing is, the world seems to accommodate most other illnesses but not this one at all.
Sometimes I feel helpless, scared and alone. I feel lucky to have the love of my family and close friends who I can be open about this with, but I still hurt and worry that I am not ever going to have a normal life again. I also have to face a hard fact, I AM on the road to recovery and I made a promise to myself that I didn't keep: I would not let anything come between me and my path toward getting better and I will not ever let anyone make me feel ashamed, like a burden or like I am deficient ever again.
I've started a relationship against my better judgment. The relationship, guy, everything is great, there's just this one little problem; I can do very few things and I haven't fully told him this yet. He knows I have issues but he is not aware of the full extent because I didn't want to include him in this part of my life. It's something I kind of hoped to overcome a little more before I engaged in something like this. Our time together has become so close, intimate and important to me. I have made some huge mistakes and I feel I may pay for them but what's worse is, he might too.
My progress is nothing to sneeze at. I am recovering in a big way, but I still have so much further to go, much further than is fair to him. I somehow thought it could just be fun and a part of my life that I could have separate and carefree. Someone to enjoy and something I could get a chance to feel more normal participating in. It has not turned out this way and it's my fault. I provoke these quick leaps forward, I pushed them, I attacked. Now I am left feeling less normal and carefree everyday.
This thing is not mainstream. Most people understand depression and other typical mental disorders but this one is not explored in the media, it's not talked about, it's not romanticized, it's not a topic. Of all the disorders where people NEED help and compassion, this one of them and the support and awareness is not there. People need the compassion of doctors to help them achieve a more normal life but the sad thing is, the world seems to accommodate most other illnesses but not this one at all.
Sometimes I feel helpless, scared and alone. I feel lucky to have the love of my family and close friends who I can be open about this with, but I still hurt and worry that I am not ever going to have a normal life again. I also have to face a hard fact, I AM on the road to recovery and I made a promise to myself that I didn't keep: I would not let anything come between me and my path toward getting better and I will not ever let anyone make me feel ashamed, like a burden or like I am deficient ever again.
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