telle est la vie d'un agoraphobe

I'm recovering. I'm moving forward. I'm growing in leaps and bounds. I'm on the other side headed back toward the light.

I've started a relationship against my better judgment. The relationship, guy, everything is great, there's just this one little problem; I can do very few things and I haven't fully told him this yet. He knows I have issues but he is not aware of the full extent because I didn't want to include him in this part of my life. It's something I kind of hoped to overcome a little more before I engaged in something like this. Our time together has become so close, intimate and important to me. I have made some huge mistakes and I feel I may pay for them but what's worse is, he might too.

My progress is nothing to sneeze at. I am recovering in a big way, but I still have so much further to go, much further than is fair to him. I somehow thought it could just be fun and a part of my life that I could have separate and carefree. Someone to enjoy and something I could get a chance to feel more normal participating in. It has not turned out this way and it's my fault. I provoke these quick leaps forward, I pushed them, I attacked. Now I am left feeling less normal and carefree everyday.

This thing is not mainstream. Most people understand depression and other typical mental disorders but this one is not explored in the media, it's not talked about, it's not romanticized, it's not a topic. Of all the disorders where people NEED help and compassion, this one of them and the support and awareness is not there. People need the compassion of doctors to help them achieve a more normal life but the sad thing is, the world seems to accommodate most other illnesses but not this one at all.

Sometimes I feel helpless, scared and alone. I feel lucky to have the love of my family and close friends who I can be open about this with, but I still hurt and worry that I am not ever going to have a normal life again. I also have to face a hard fact, I AM on the road to recovery and I made a promise to myself that I didn't keep: I would not let anything come between me and my path toward getting better and I will not ever let anyone make me feel ashamed, like a burden or like I am deficient ever again.